'THE COMEDIAN' ALLEN CHANEY
Season 2: Episode 9
In Defense of Checkers
“Just say it. Say ‘I told you so’. I know you want to. Dunk on me like Shaq did on Chris Dudley in 99. Balls right in my face and then a shove. ”
“I’m not certain you understand how my job works if you assume my goal is to ‘dunk on you’ but if you don’t want to hear what I have to say we could… play checkers?.” Dr. Howell says. He sets his notepad aside and opens a drawer on his desk to take out a checkerboard and a small ziplock bag containing black and red checker pieces.
“Are…are you serious?” Allen asks, confused by this.
“It’s your money. If you just want to play checkers instead of talk about it then we can just play checkers.” Dr. Howell says as he begins setting up the checkerboard, placing all the pieces.
“Uhhh…yeah. Okay.” Allen says, curious to see where this was going.
“Red or Black?”“Black.” Allen says, always wanting to go first.
Allen moves up closer to the desk and Howell positions it so the black pieces are on Allen’s end and the red are on his. Allen makes his first move. Then Howell. Then Allen. Allen takes a few pieces. He’s doing pretty well, then finally Howell has Allen in the right position to double jump two pieces, taking his first two. Allen’s brow furrows.
“God fucking dammit.” Allen says.
“What?” Howell asks.
“Nothing, I’m just fucked.”
“You’re pretty close to a ‘king’ and those are the first two pieces you lost. You’re fine.” Howell says.
“I don’t see coming back from this.” Allen says, eyeing the board.
“It all comes easy to you when you’re doing well but you hit the smallest snags and you act like everything is falling apart.” Howell says. Allen levels a glare at him.
“In checkers.” Howell adds with a smile.
Fucker. Allen makes his next move.
“...I said from the beginning that I wanted to make my workplace better, right? I wanted to fill this place with awesome talent and facilitate talent good enough to beat me? I feel like I meant that so people beating me should have me feeling great, yeah?” Allen asks.
“Certainly doesn’t sound like this is about checkers.” Howell replies, making his move.
“Eat a big bowl of my shit, you overpaid pill-slinging charlatan.”
“Yes. If that is your goal and it feels like you are accomplishing that goal then logic would dictate you should be proud.”
“Then why do I feel like jumping out of a window?” Allen asks, taking a moment to look at the window in Howell’s office.
“I have a thought about that but if you haven’t figured it out by now I like to assist you in arriving at these conclusions on your own.”
“Nah, you can just tell me.” Allen says, Howell looks at Allen over the rim of his glasses.
“Because even if you mean what you’re saying no one likes losing but more than that you’re afraid that the fulfillment of this goal means PWE will progress to a point where it no longer needs you and in the end you won’t get any credit for what you did because history remembers success. Several people had to crash and die in the effort of building a flying machine but their names don’t get mentioned in the same breath as the Wright Brothers.” Howell says, he makes his move amidst a very thick silence.
“King me.” Howell adds.
“Well that’s all really fucking reassuring.”
“I’m not saying that’s what is going to happen. I’m saying that’s what you’re worried about. I am of the opinion that you’re getting ahead of yourself… and I think that you getting ahead of yourself is also why you’re faltering. Self-fulfilling prophecies and all that.” Howell says, he reaches across the board and takes Allen’s move for him, putting him one move away from taking two pieces and getting a king.
“I always find that overthinking and getting ahead of yourself in checkers works to your detriment. Looking ahead too far and you overwhelm yourself. This isn't chess. Focus on your next move and what happens happens.” Howell says, making his move. Allen looks at the board and makes the move Howell set up and takes two pieces.
“Uh…King me.” Allen says. Howell takes a look at the clock.
“We’ll have to continue next time. I can take a picture of the board if we want to continue.” Howell says. Allen nods in agreement. Howell grabs his prescription pad and fills a few things out quickly and holds the sheet of paper out to Allen but pulls away as soon as Allen reaches out.
“I just… wanted to remind you that it’s a very bad idea when you’re taking Xanax to…” Howell says, wondering if he should even bring this up.
“What?” Allen asks.
“Just…I know how you feel about how things are going right now and I’d really hate to see you slide into old habits.”
“Old ha-”
Oh.
“I…Yeah. No no I…yeah.” is all Allen manages to say, neither really confirming or denying anything. Cautiously Dr. Howell hands over the prescription.
"Part of our job is to dig deep and rediscover the joy that we had when we were first starting out. Also, when you gain responsibility, if you are the host of a TV show and you have responsibilities as a producer and a writer and so forth, you then have to deal with the mechanics of it, which is not always fun."
-Paul F Tompkins
We open on a very troubling sight.
Allen seated on his kitchen counter in a dirty ‘PWE’ T-shirt with some manner of stain on it (pudding?) and pajama pants. He’s got a full bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand.
ALLEN CHANEY: I haven’t decided.
Allen runs a hand through his messy hair.
ALLEN CHANEY: I thought I had tossed everything out but I have two apartments and I did some cleaning at my New York place and found this and…. Yeah. It felt kinda like it was looking for me. I turned the camera on because… whatever I’m about to do I want to own it.
Allen looks at the label of the bottle for a little bit before he starts to tear off the plastic around the lid. He starts to twist the lid off but stops when he he feels the sudden impact of a cat hopping on his lap. Bill looks up at Allen.
Why do cat faces always feel so judgmental when they’re making direct eye contact?
ALLEN CHANEY: I find these….theories about me lately. That I found my success by feeding off of my own misery and that the reason I’ve missed a step is because I’ve found happiness outside of the ring and that’s….true. The last part at least. I have a girlfriend I’m pretty crazy about and I find fulfillment in things outside of the ring now. 2022 was the year that Pro Wrestling saved my life. 2023 maybe hasn’t had as hot of a start and maybe that’s why this bottle had to find me. Maybe I need a little bit of poison to function.
Allen unscrews the lid of the bottle and tosses it aside.
ALLEN CHANEY: If me being what you all think the Allen Chaney version of a champion is… means finding new misery to feed off of to fuel myself… if doing this to myself is really what it takes to be a winner, to be a success in my chosen field….
Allen starts to raise the bottle.
ALLEN CHANEY: Then I choose to be a relatively happy loser.
Allen begins dumping out the contents of the bottle into the sink right beside him in the kitchen.
ALLEN CHANEY: And while I’m still the Excellence Champion you can all line up to suck my relatively happy sober loser dingus.
Allen sets the empty bottle aside when it’s been entirely poured down the drain and gives Bill the skritches he so rightly deserves.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yo fuck this. Let’s do this proper.
Allen snaps his fingers and wait wha-
‘THE COMEDIAN’ ALLEN CHANEY
SEASON 2: EPISODE 9
We’re Starting Over I Guess.
“A quote. Probably from a comedian.”
-The name of the comedian who said the quote
Oh hey! The talk show set! It’s been a while. Allen enters through the curtain and we hear loud applause from the “live” studio audience. Allen’s had a haircut and a beard trim and the Excellence Championship is around his waist (whoever gave him that belt extender is really doing the Lord’s work). Allen motions for the audience that isn’t actually there to calm down.
ALLEN CHANEY: That’s better! Welcome to the show! I lost last show, that sucked! Anyway, moving on.
Laugh track.
ALLEN CHANEY: Hey PWE management, I didn't have any cash on me so instead of a tip I gave my pizza guy a shot at the Excellence Championship since apparently we just give those out to anybody now. El Landerson was too busy?
Laugh track again, Allen levels a small glare at whoever is controlling the laugh track off screen as a warning to not use it too much.
ALLEN CHANEY: I know I’m getting accused of trying to big-time this dude so… let me just very briefly address Steve. I don’t give a fuck what you’ve done in any other company and the moment you stepped into a PWE I mentally took anything you’d describe as ‘legacy’ and threw it in the trash. I made it very clear I wanted my rematch against Damian and the entire world wanted it to. I and the entire world don’t get that now. I just took a loss to Jason Long and Tara Ayla which shows they absolutely deserve a title shot. Nope, we have to give it to Steve who conned the title shot off of a profoundly stupid individual who only won it on a technicality. You have several layers of ‘Don’t actually deserve a title shot’ stink on you and everyone here fucking smells it. Welcome to PWE. Mind games are not interesting to me. Competitors who didn’t pay their dues in a PWE ring are not interesting to me. At least I was given a reason to want to fight Joe. You bore the fucking piss out of me, Steve. I’m a big dude. It doesn’t take much more than a light jog to get me sweating.
A pause and Allen gestures to his face.
ALLEN CHANEY: Do you see me sweating now, Steve? Do you intend to show me why people are telling me it’s a mistake to discount you? Anyway… enough about you. For now.
Allen makes a moment as if he’s brushing the issue aside for now.
ALLEN CHANEY: Casanova ‘Big Dick’ English. I started calling him that over in CU:LT and I think it’s gonna remain a thing. I’m thankful to Cas for giving me an outlet over in that other company for my more violent tendencies that I don’t get to indulge in in PWE. Thanks for having me, dude. Quick plug that I’m 2-0 over there. Just got a tv deal. Tune in. Also watch this show though.
Company guy.
ALLEN CHANEY: If there were any sort of justice or logic in the world you’d probably have already gotten your shot against Jason Long and I’d be lined up to defend the Excellence Championship against someone who's been here for more than a cup of coffee but management is apparently smoking actual crack right now. Certainly making decisions like people who get hit in the head with shovels.
Company guy?
ALLEN CHANEY: I think under the right circumstances? Allen Chaney against Casanova English is a bit of a dream match. Of course, those correct circumstances involve there being a bunch of ladders, tables, barbed wire and shit around for us to absolutely tear each other to shreds with but again I don’t book the matches here I just show up to work and avoid cult members on my way to catering.
Allen releases a ‘this is my life now’ sort of sigh.
ALLEN CHANEY: So many of y’all bringing chess pieces to a fucking checkerboard. You complicate everything to an unnecessary degree to the point that it feels like we aren’t even playing the same game anymore. I don’t give a shit about who any of you are dating and I’m not gonna leave a joker card backstage to intimidate you or learn stage magic. I’m not a serial killer or a secret agent with ties to the mafia and thank George Carlin every day that when we all part ways I don’t seem to live in the same video game reality you all seem to occupy. Speaking of which, back to Casanova English, pictured here.
ALLEN CHANEY: Who I’m sure has all manner of descriptive murder things he is going to claim he’s gonna do to my fat body. Oh dear! Am I going to be done a stabby by the scary man? Is he going to have a scary skin face? If her dad was dead then WHO WAS PHONE?!?!
You kids remember Creepypasta? Slenderman amirite?
ALLEN CHANEY: Sit the fuck down, Jeff The Killer. You ain’t doing nothing of the sort. ‘Specially not after you just got ‘sonned’ by Issak ‘I was actually an asshole this whole time’ Otto. If you think you need a win after taking that loss how the FUCK do you think I feel right now, my guy? Questions are being asked about me at the moment and another loss is probably going to give everyone an answer. There is very real pressure on me right now. I can acknowledge that. How about you, Cas? Is the Big Dick gonna shrivel up?
Like George Costanza in the pool.
ALLEN CHANEY: To answer your question from last week, Damian Ayla is important because he cares about this place. As much shit as I give her for the cult shit so does Tara and so do I. I’d taken a sort of ‘golly gee’ and ‘aw shucks lets all be pals’ approach to that for a little bit but that’s not who I am. Not even a little bit. Sorry for lying to you all if you thought that’s who I was. A long time ago Damian opened this company up to whoever wanted a crack at him and I told everyone that was a mistake. I was probably right. So long as you’re in PWE you’re walking on ground that Damian Ayla and I fucking paved for you. I’m not going to stand here and say that you HAVE to respect that. I am going to say that if it’s clear you don’t I’m going to take great enjoyment in smacking the taste out of your mouth.
Allen presents us with the back of his hand before realizing something
ALLEN CHANEY: Has that hedgehog picture been up this whole time?
Hang on, let us check.
Yup.
ALLEN CHANEY: Yeah, Tara Ayla just beat me. Tara Ayla is also the greatest Impulse Champion this company has ever seen. How’s your quest for the Impulse Championship going, Cas? Is Jason Long even further out of your reach? Are you even getting a title shot or is that still up in the air even with Damian putting in a good word for you like the proper DUDE he is? You know ‘Unprofessional’ has a lot of meanings and one of them is flat out just ‘shitty at your job.’ Food for thought?
It’s weird to think that Allen was so complimentary of Casanova not even like five minutes ago. Also weird no one has taken that picture down.
ALLEN CHANEY: I’ve gotta get a win on the board and I’m not taking my next loss against a dude who apparently lives in an Insane Clown Posse song. The enemies are once more at the gate and I don’t care if you swing a meat cleaver or a big ol dick, I have to show out to show that this place still means something. It feels like so very few people actually believe in this company’s ideals anymore and if my destiny is to slowly descend into a pit of losses until ‘Wrestling’ and ‘Excellence’ don’t mean anything anymore then I guess that’s how I’m fucking going out. Zealotry. That’s what I am carrying into this fight. Righteous Fury. The belief that my winning and defending this…
Allen points to the Excellence Championship around his waist.
ALLEN CHANEY: …Means that I have to give this shit everything when I step in the ring because I represent this place. I don’t know what the fuck shooting hot dogs was supposed to do for me but all it ended up doing was blurring my vision. It was a distraction from where I needed my focus to be disguised as ‘teaching me a lesson’ by someone who from day one put themselves over this company and disguised it as ‘saving it’ when from the start of season two I’ve been undoing her fucking damage. She can shake her head all she wants about me taking the wrong lesson from all of it away… I just…fuck…no. Not doing this again.
Allen stops himself. Hot dog talk is over. Forever. You all fucking killed his favorite bit. He shakes the feeling of betrayal from his mind. The thought of crying backstage and feeling unable to ever trust someone or be vulnerable around anyone except his girlfriend and his cat ever again and maybe he needs to edit out the Jack Daniels thing now because being human is just a fucking weakness for others to exploit and you can never show anything real ever again and then….Allen looks down at the monitor and notices the goddamn hedgehog graphic is still there.
ALLEN CHANEY: WHY THE FUCK IS THIS THROWAWAY JOKE THAT WASN’T EVEN PARTICULARLY GREAT TO START WITH STILL ON THE FUCKING SCREEN? I AM SORRY FOR YELLING YOU GUYS ARE WORKING VERY HARD JUST PLEASE.
Allen adjusts his tie and clears his throat.
ALLEN CHANEY: I am sorry. That was not about any of you. Everything okay? We cool?
Seemingly as a response the hedgehog graphic finally disappears.
ALLEN CHANEY: Cool. Coolcoolcool. Cas. Big Dick. I walked into CU:LT and showed that place all the respect that I think it deserves. I really appreciate what you’ve got going on over there. I know you’re ‘Unprofessional’ or whatever but you continuing to not show PWE that same respect… is about to catch you an ass-beating.
Allen just kinda shrugs, like it's somehow out of his hands now.
ALLEN CHANEY: Or to borrow a bit of theming from you… I’m the fat fuck that eats all the pie and I got a strong enough stomach to keep it all down. I certainly hope you still get that shot you want so much but it’s not going to happen at my expense.
Allen shakes his head.
ALLEN CHANEY: A lot has been said about how I deal with losses and things not going my way and uh….yeah I don’t care. None of you are my shrink I guess the point of all this is that if you got a problem with how I handle myself as Champion or my mood swings or how I deal with my mental health then uh… suck my dick. If you don’t know much about anatomy, it’s the sizeable appendage hanging below the motherfucking Excellence Championship. Setup. Punchline. Put up the ending graphic I commissioned.
ALLEN CHANEY: God fucking da-
"Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do."
-Marc Maron
